Orignally posted in a blog comment at:
deMystic's blogBlog title:
Exploring Loving in Multi-dimensionsThis is interesting and ties in with what I've been thinking a lot about lately.I'm 27 and have never been in what I would term a 'relationship' (outside of family) where two people are very close emotionally and love each other.Sure I've had 'flings' but the idea of actually forming a relationship with someone has always seemed somewhat alien to me, because it feels like I have to give something of who I am up, but to me that is absolutely out of the question.
I think it goes back to this 'limiting' idea.You see in one recent fling I had, the woman I was seeing admitted to me that she occasionally saw another man, but she promised that she was trying to end it and be with me alone.To be honest because I wasn't emotionally close to this woman and didn't love her, I wasn't emotionally hurt, but the idea of sharing her was an absolute no! no! and so when she failed to end it with the other man I ended it!
However I also didn't want to get close to this woman because of my attitude to relationships.In fact this woman, like any other I've had a fling with, never particularly interested me as a person.I specifically go for people who I know won't want to be with me forever.I got on with them ok, it was nice to spend time with somebody for company, but there certainly wasn't any special emotional connection, and definitely not love! After the physical stuff and having a drink and a laugh it was pretty much boring and empty, and I'd rather be on my own once that was done with.
I feel that their is a paradox and I'm not sure how to work it out.In one way I like the woman I am seeing to be mine alone phsycially, but then on the other hand I don't want to get close to them and form a relationship because I feel that I will then have to conform or make compromises.I watch a tv show where someone helps people find a new home.The person asks the housbuyers for their requirements, but then they always state: "you know often you'll have to make compromises if the house doesn't have everything you want".
When I hear that I think to myself "one should never have to compromise".If you can imagine what you want then it must be possible.I'm such an unlimited person in nature, and I detest the word "compromise".Perhaps though, forming a lasting relationship is kind of like building a new home.At first it may be everything you want, but then maybe you feel like changing the look of the garden or redecorating or adding a conservatory, etc.That's all doable, yet they do take some amount of physical time and work to make those physical changes.In that sense, as people are physical as well, maybe we should accept that we can have everything with one person, but also know as they're physical as well, then it also takes time for them to change.
Yet still it is different, because you can change a garden or redecorate, etc, and that is down to you.The walls or the plants aren't going to object.But with another person, perhaps they won't want to change.If I was with someone in a relationship and we got on really well and enjoyed the same things, then great.But if after a time I really enjoyed doing different things that they didn't enjoy, then would I have to compromise in order to spend time with my partner.That is the key thing.I'm always changing constantly, and so the idea of stopping that flow and compromising is like cutting off my life force.In order for that to never happen, as I've said before, I stay clear of forming relationships and falling in love.It's like to really know and love me me is not to know me completely yet still love me, but perhaps that is too much for some people to deal with.I always think that people want to pin you down, gift wrap you and say "this is my present and I can tell anyone exactly how this present acts and what they like, etc".People tend to get comfortable and not like surprises or change.I guess what I'm getting at is that you can be with one physical person as long as the connection goes much deeper that anything you can label.Essentially it is pure unconditional love.
"I love you, just because I do" is what I want to hear from someone I form a relationship with.And that is also the reason I will give to the person I am in a relationship with.I sleep with someone and generally spend more time with them because I find them physically attractive and we have a lot in common.If that were to change dramatically enough and if it caused distress, then of course splitting up is a possibility, but I will still love them just as much as I love myself and everyone else.I loved them before I met them, so why should I not love them now we have parted.I guess you've just got to give things a go and if they don't work out, then hey, so what!
If we take what I just said and put it into the multi level... (it should be called multi level, not multi dimensional, because for me dimensional means a different approach, and what we're saying here is the same approach (love) to different "levels", ie: levels meaning fo example, level 0: yourself, level 1: your family or partner, level 2: close friends, level 4: acquaintances, level 5: people you know through tv or youtube etc, level 6: people you don't know but who you see in the street, level 7: people you don't know of in any way, etc ) ....loving theme then we can see firstly we must look to how we love at level 0 (ourselves) and then not expect anything more than that from the other levels.If we can do that then we can truly approach all levels with the same degree of love (actually love is just love, it's either love or it isn't).
So let's look at how we love at level 0, ourselves! Firstly we can say that we accept ourselves.If we change our minds about things, it doesn't mean we stop loving who we are.If we find enjoyment is something different than before, we still love ourselves the same.If we have our odd habits or rituals or whatever, we're still cool with ourselves.If we act in a way that is silly, we laugh at ourselves and lovingly accept that we're eccentric.And on and on.So all one has to do is see how they accept themselves in so many ways (make a list as a reminder) and attach that same attitude to all the other levels.When we do this we can more easily have a physical relationship with one person (living together, sex, etc) because that relationship will work if it is mutually based on the love we have for ourselves, which in turn we project to all other levels.Again, love is just love, there isn't one type or another.It is just love! Should keep that in mind!
“Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr
It comes down to not letting any external labels or preconditions cloud things.The highest level and beyond tend not to bother us so much because they're more remote.But as we move down the levels and we come more into contact with people who have the opportunity to affect us with their presence, then when we see them acting eccentricly or oddly, or they think differently than us, we must recall that we accept and love ourselves when we act in that way.Basically, it's my drawn out way of saying: love others as you love yourself.
Thankyou for allowing me the opportunity of gaining greater clarity on this for myself.
Cheers!
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December 2007 
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